Love During Failure

I think we all go through those stages when we think we're going to commit to something, we feel really motivated towards our goal; like we could kick the world in the balls. No turning back this time! This time I'm going to really kick-ass!

Well, it's a fact that sometimes we fail. It's like one big punch in the stomach when we've finally realized that we've failed what we've set out to do. And we don't admit our failures when we slip up the first time....maybe the second time....or third. It's only when we're back to our old ways, when one day we finally realize that we're back to who we used to be. And that's when it hits us that we've failed. And that's when it hurts the most, and it's easy to let negativity and millions of reasons wash over you as to why you should never try again.

The important thing to remember now, when failure happens, is that even though we go through these different failures...maybe you've experienced this once, or maybe you've experienced this many times...maybe you're going through it right now....you need to remember that loving yourself during your failures is the most important thing you can possibly do. There is a reason you've failed, even if you don't see it, and you need to take the time to uncover what that reason is--before you try again.

Were you trying or working for your goal for the right reason? Was your heart in it for yourself or for someone/something else?

It's important that you find out these reasons before you begin again, because unless you do, I believe you'll fail again. Only true, passionate, real reasons behind your goals will accomplish success. Once you've discovered the truth behind your goal, you will realize how much you want to succeed. But you need to love yourself, your process, your journey, where you are right NOW, and love yourself in your vision of where you can be in the future.

Trust me, I'm one to talk. I say these things all day to others, and yet I struggle extensively with my own goals. The beauty of the human race is the diversity of the soul. We're all searching for the truth in ourselves. The reason why we do what we do. I'm consistently wondering why I can't commit to change. My childhood maybe? My experiences growing up? My marriage? I'm a master at the blame-game. The one thing that matters the most though, and that I can take comfort in, is that I do know these things I've stated, and that I know what to do to keep trying. I have the knowledge inside to remember that when I try and if I fail, I can always try again. There is nothing ever telling me that I can never do anything.

Life is only a series of thoughts--and thoughts can be changed.

And because of that, I'm safe.

oh hai.

Oh, hey guys.

Remember me?

I'm alive.

Aaaaand, I pretty much suck.

At blogging.

Really, though.

Considering, like, a year ago I was all super committed to this thing, and I fully planned on writing everyday about all of my interesting life-happenings.



What the hell happened to me?

When I first fired this thing up, inside my brain I was like this:

But inside, I was like:

("we" meaning "me"...see, this is how i talk to myself when i try to get motivated.)

Then, quite honestly, after my first couple posts I was like:

......

But no. Enough of that hogwash.

Guys, really.

I'm here.

And believe me, a lot has happened between November and now that warrants a post. I honestly don't even know where to begin. I have 6 months of bullshit, work drama, life drama, and weird stories to give you guys.

But I'm not sure...

I'm either going to relay my past 6 "dark" months to you, or just start off where I am now. I could just pick up where I am in life and carry on and you'd miss out on what happened to me.

Hell.

You decide.

I love you either way.

For now, peace out, lovers.

Wa-Bam!

As you might have noticed (I hope)--I haven't posted in, uh...well....it's been a bit. I recently had a ton of shit go down, but I'm happy to report that I'm still alive--quite obviously.

Let's choose to look at is as a "blogger" vacation--though it definitely wasn't the type spent on warm beaches making fun of strange-looking people in speedos.

yummy.

So why has it been so long? I recently had an accident that involved me injuring my shoulder. Well, by "accident" what I mean is--well, fuck it, I'll just tell you the story...

I was sitting on my ass on my chaise lounge while my toddler was eating his oatmeal next to me, and for some reason he suddenly had the urge to throw said oatmeal across the room, so I,--in my super-powered-lightning-fast speed--got up from my "lounging" position, and in bolting up I promptly heard a sharp "snap" in my right shoulder.

Yeah....

My first internal thought: "shitmotherwhorefuckergodhelldamnfuckingfuck!!"

What I loudly exclaimed (no joke): "Ouuuch! GOSH that hurt!!!!"

The dance move I pulled after that was actually quite impressive as I look back on it.

But, the entire event was not worth a little oatmeal getting on the floor--trust me.

"she missed it by that much"

So, with that happening, it was quite hard for me to use my entire right arm more than I absolutely needed to. As some of you know (and if you didn't before, now you do) my job consists of using a computer all freaking day long. That being said, there wasn't a way that I could continue my job and use my arm any extra period of time doing things that I actually like to do. So....I had to choose my lame-o job instead.

Too bad I'm not cool enough to be a Blogger for a living and have enough followers to get noticed by someone important and become famous and get sponsored and not have to work a normal job like everyone else and only have to worry about tickling everyone's brain cells for a living with my obvious enormous sense of humor that eventually everyone in the entire planet would fall in love with. Too, too bad.

(I've always wanted to say that.)

So anyway--I'm back. Have no fear, I won't leave you again--unless anything tries to literally/physically keeps me from you. And it'll take a lot for that to happen

I'm glad to be back, too. You all are a safe place for me to barf all my internal "Jillianisms"...and it's a heck of a lot easier to barf them here than to barf them face to face sometimes. Trust me, barfing at someone face to face doesn't work well. It can get messy.

You know, I once made a list with an old friend of all the different words for "barf."

I'm out!

(geez, guys, it's only for now....don't be clingy--it's not attractive)



The Hairy Result...

Okay, everyone...

You asked for it.

Actually, I told you I'd show you..

So, I'm going to share the results of my perm I got last Sunday.

Sorry I'm late--last night I came home, promptly sat my fat ass on the couch and fell asleep.

 Rough day. My bad.

Anyway, without further delay...

The Glamour Shot

The Cheesy Shot

The "Poser" Shot

So, there you go, friends.

And, after much thought and pondering, much like the picture above, I decided to share one last picture, but only because I trust you all to not judge me.

Right?

The "2 Day Grease-Fest" Shot

I'm smiling--or trying-- even though my hair feels like it weighs about 10 pounds.

But anyway, that's that.

The perm is done.

There's no going back now.

And, ABFTShower, no Carrot Top-type results, so no tragedies to report.

And I have no complaints.

Yet.

bi-polar workplace

So I was thinking, and perhaps I may have lead you guys to believe that my job is totally
and completely terrible. I miiiiight have gone that route with some comments I made in a previous post::


"Seriously, how much can one person expect from another person?"

"Let me tell you, my job is going to be the death of me."

"I'm a sales person, and it seems like...the more sales I get, the more they want from me."

"Whatever, you lame-os"

let me think....

yes.

I should say that I'm not taking back any single thing that I said. I'm just going to explain myself a bit further. When I said those things I had had a particularly suck-ass day at work. We're talking every-person-I-spoke-to-chews-my-ear-off type of a day. And, everyone in the office-whether it was guy or girl, seemed to be PMSing. The atmosphere was crazier than a bunch of adhd kids on meth.

Usually work has a typical rhythm to it. I get there at 8:00AM, take my breaks on time, go to lunch, and leave at 4:30PM each night. And in-between all of that I do my job, and pretty much enjoy it.

This is me on an average day at work:

(older picture...disregard the bangs)

I'm a very pleasant person to be around (as long as things don't get too stressful, as you might guess), and as long as things around me are run legitimately, I'm a happy camper. It's just when other people start to act ridiculous and find ways to be better than everyone else by going to whatever lengths necessary to conquer the world of sales--that's when I start to despise my job. It's almost like some of the people would beat each other up in the parking lot after work to guarantee that they would be the top sales-person the next day.

say my name, bitch!

It's gets completely and totally out of control. I mean, all that you're asked to do is your job. Who decided to make it a cut-throat game of making it a mission of lowering your fellow employee's self esteem?

I know it's never going to end though.

*sigh*

It's okay though, because I can go to my job, do and succeed at what I'm asked to do, and all I really need to focus on is the glorious and copious amounts of this:

oh the sweet smell of a family that's secure...

and a few Coach purses here and there.

Because that's really all that it comes down to at the end of the day, right? Money? My job does pay a very generous amount...as does my husband's because he works at the same place (in a different department). But maybe they only pay us all that much because they know how much bull-shit there is to put up with each and every day. Or maybe it's because they know that's the only reason ANY of us would stay. After all, they're always having "game day" or "daily prizes" or "raffles" or the like. And I'll admit it, I'm totally guilty of participating in those fun activites, because any chance for a good time, and I'm there.

No, no, no, not this type of "good-time" (unfortunately)...

this has been done in our office before, though.

not by me, mind you, but it's been done.

But this type of good time:

face painting freckles on my face

at the workplace fair.... 

wheeee...?

Okay fine, laugh all you want.

But I get paid to participate and wear painted freckles on my face and talk on the phone all day.

I have one of the weirdest jobs in the entire world.

I hate it. And I love it.

It's making me lose my mind.

But, I don't see it ending anytime soon, so....

I might as well embrace it.

I'm gross, but this is funny.

Okay guys, last night something reeeally funny happened.

Although it might show you that I'm a thoroughly disgusting individual, I really don't mind, because that's partially true. I think that gross things--most gross things-- are funny, so I, myself, am not afraid to be gross.

Anyway, I was having a conversation with my husband in the kitchen last night, and I can't even remember what it was that we were talking about, but right in the middle of my sentence I had the loudest, most strangest sounding burp that I have ever experienced in all my years, including my pregnancy. It was totally and completely involuntary. I swear to god I did not feel it coming, and I could not have stopped it. 

Guys, it seriously sounded like a combination between a whoopie cushion deflating and a bear growl. It lasted about 3 seconds and was extremely loud. But the funniest thing was how it felt. It felt like a million little microscopic men were doing the river dance in my tummy and throat.

I laughed for about 5 minutes straight.

My husband didn't.

Yes, I'm gross.

You're welcome.

i'll never understand...

It's completely beyond me how totally oblivious some people are. It honestly blows my mind. Let me just amuse you for a few minutes, and name a few things that I've seen recently, where the person should have known better, but was obviously too oblivious/stupid to either care or do any different:

Scenario 1.)
Woman in grocery store parking lot with a long bright blue windbreaker suit, a huuuuuge shiney ribbon bow literally on top of her head, with some serious pig-tails going on. Are you serious? Wait, no, yes you are serious. But I have to ask--why? Why do you own those clothes?  Did you look in the mirror before you left the house and go into the world? Oh wait, yes you did. That's the problem.

This is you, on average:

This is what you think you look like:

Sorry, but no.

Better luck next time.

Scenario 2.)
Woman driving a beat up sedan with a loose child bouncing around in the back. Please please please, buckle up your child. I couldnt care any less about you since youre obviously a selfish bitch who is too concerned about having your next cigarette. But please, if it doesnt blow your mind too much, could you try to protect your child? And for your information, second-hand smoke is just like you're giving your 2 year old a cigg.

if you do it, you might

as well give him one, too...

Scenario 3.)
Woman in line, three people behind me last night at the grocery store who obviously thought she was more important than everyone else in that massive place. Yes, we had all been waiting for 30 minutes because the cashier was slower than death and the poor fella a few people in front of me was broke and didn't know it, but---you don't have the right to plow through us, go to the customer service line and beg them to cash you out over there because you're important and have someplace to be, yada yada yada.....until they finally give in. You're honestly an impatient, selfish, snobby prude. The rest of us were thinking that, and gosh, you probably didn't even know it.

We all know that this was

hiding under your $200.00

label brand coat:

I'll leave you with these for now. Through-out my day I encountered even more things that I could blog about, but it's kind of overwhelming to bring them all to life again in one post.  I can only handle so much stupid-ness at once. Plus, who says there's a time limit on how much I can share with all of you lovely readers? There's so much more!


Let me just leave you with one more thing.

I dont think I need to say anything at all about this one, although I very much could.

But I wont.



Stress Relief

You know, sometimes after a long day, all I want to do is sit down, relax, and find a way to relieve all of my stress. Many people would go to the gym (which I should clearly be doing, btw), or go throw a ball around, or take a drive, or whatever. Me, on the other hand....I budget. I play with numbers.

I love love love to budget. In fact, just to show you how much I love to plan where every single penny in my checking and savings account goes, here is a picture of me, preparing for my budget:

See? Its clearly obvious that my laptop and I are having a serious love affair. I'd kiss it if I wasnt afraid of ruining all of my hard work and/or getting killed by electrocution. After I took this picture I proceeded to budget for the next 2 hours. And boy to I feel fantastic. The day's worries have slid off of my sholders, it seems. I bet its because I feel like I have complete control over all of those little numbers. Like I'm squashing them between my fingers and telling them to go here and there. I dont know, maybe I sound like a complete and total lame-o, but budgetting is my thing. Everyone has their "thing."

At least I'm not pulling my hair out and six-flagging it up mood-wise anymore. I'm just fine.